How to Listen So You Get Results

July 3, 2012 By Kimberly

Blah, blah, blah, blah…. It’s so easy to talk, to ramble on about our thoughts, our ideas, our concerns, our beliefs, our demands. We are expert ramblers, monopolizers of conversations, hijackers of others’ time, often unaware of how we project ourselves, and worse, frequently indifferent to others’ views. Listening, on the other hand, not only shows that you value the other person’s humanity but also is the key to getting the results you want, whether the result be a change in someone’s perspective, an agreement in your favor, or a strengthened relationship.

While we all know the importance of listening, it’s easy to forget that there are certain strategies for listening that when implemented will help you to create true dialogue and an increased likelihood of achieving the outcome you seek. Here are seven of those strategies.

Determine what you want.

Determining what you want ahead of time is necessary for conversations that are critical, because you know that one direction or another will lead you either away from or toward your goal. For example, if you decide upfront that you want an enjoyable conversation that results in a closer relationship with a friend or colleague, then you will know to listen for opportunities to share and connect on a similar level. On a parallel note, if you are engaged in conversation with your boss, and you desire a promotion, you will listen with a critical ear in regards to whether it is the right timing, what your boss thinks of you, what he or she values in an employee, what opportunities are available, and what the vision is for the company. Thus, determining what you want will help you to ask the right questions and to listen carefully.

Focus on the other person.

Nobody likes talking to somebody whose eyes glaze over, lost in his own thoughts, or a person who’s fidgeting with her pen. If you want someone to truly feel heard, and consequently understood, then give that person your full attention. Don’t become distracted by what else is going on in the room or even by your own opinions. I love the Bible verse in the book of James about being “quick to listen, slow to speak.” You will have plenty of time to formulate what you want to say later. Focus and really listen.

Show interest.

Use eye contact to show you’ve connected to the person speaking. Encourage them to continue speaking by giving an occasional “uh-huh.” Smile, nod, laugh. Show that you value what they have to say, and they are more likely to listen to you.

Observe body language.

Someone once said, “If you feel like no one is listening to you, learn a new language.” Listen to what’s not being said by examining the speaker’s body language. And better yet, match theirs. We’ve all heard how body language, depending on the study, accounts for 80-90 percent of language. Think of the tremendous amount of data you can gather simply by observing gestures, facial expressions, and posture. Is he frowning, smirking, or avoiding eye contact? Is she hunched over as if exhausted and frazzled? When appropriate, match their body language. If you’re both sitting at a table and he leans forward while speaking (which generally means he’s comfortable with you), then you should lean forward as well to intensify the connection.

Paraphrase what the person said.

Of course you don’t want to paraphrase every response of the person speaking—that would only be annoying. However, it is very appropriate, and useful, to occasionally do so. Paraphrasing helps you to clarify what the other person said, and gives him or her the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings. Paraphrasing also confirms that you understand, and bottom line—people want to feel understood.

Ask questions.

If you want to achieve results by listening, then ask open-ended questions. Asking open-ended questions (not simply “yes/no” questions) shows the other person that you’re interested in what he or she has to say, as well as allows you to gain additional, often vital information prior to your response. The open-ended question is one of the best tools I use with my coaching clients for drawing out the pertinent, revealing information that will help them to ultimately achieve their goals.

Use silence.

Rarely do we enjoy silence in a conversation. We begin to feel flustered, worried that we may bore our audience. So we find ways to fill the gap in dialogue. Using silence, however, encourages the speaker to continue talking, to explore other ideas, to expand on previous ones. Basically, when you allow silence to be a tool at your disposal, you will hear more, and on a deeper level. You prove that you truly care about that person’s beliefs, values, ideas, and concerns.

Remember that the key to getting results is not merely to talk, but to listen, and listen well. People want to feel valued, appreciated, respected, and liked. Mostly, they want to feel understood. You can make that happen. If they believe that you regard them in these ways, they are more apt to hear you out. And better yet, when it’s your turn, you will know what to say.

5 Simple Ways Leaders Can Engage Others

June 26, 2012 By Kimberly

Remember playing tug of war as a kid? I loved that game. What was cool about it is that tug of war was a team challenge. No one person really stood out as the leader, not even the person in front. Rather, we all contributed mightily to the team. We were empowered and engaged by the atmosphere and our team members. We were out to kick some butt!

Research shows that employees like to kick butt too. In fact, when they are engaged, not only do sales and profits go up, but so do customer loyalty and employee retention.

On the other hand, workers who are disengaged miss more workdays, are under greater stress, and are unmotivated to put forth their best efforts. Plus, they are much more likely to transition into a new job.

So what do leaders do to engage others?

They focus on the individual’s success, as well as business outcomes.

Leaders understand that the organization is made up of the people who will contribute to it’s success. It’s not the chicken or the egg issue. One does come first. And without people, the organization will collapse. Consequently, leaders are willing to invest in their employees, giving them what they need to be successful.

They give praise, recognition, and credit where due.

Smart leaders humble themselves by putting their people in the spotlight and allowing them to shine when they have been a contributing part of the team’s or organization’s efforts. They constantly look for opportunities to make their people winners and to recognize their accomplishments.

They listen and are willing to learn.

Leaders admit that they are not the only experts, and that there will always be others with more knowledge, skill, or influence in certain subject matters. They take the time to ask questions, actively listen, and seek ideas and feedback. They demonstrate there is always much to be learned.

They seek to understand others’ motivations.

Not everyone’s highest priority is a high salary. Some are motivated by flexibility and career and advancement opportunities, others by learning opportunities, praise, recognition, and the chance to work cross-functionally on projects. Leaders engage their people by determining their motivations and then acting on them to drive team and organizational outcomes for success.

They foster trust and loyalty.

A hush-hush environment where nobody knows what’s going on except upper management often breeds mistrust and fear. Leaders, however, share as much information as possible with their teams, because open lines of communication and the sharing of information makes people feel a part of the team, like real insiders. This “we’re all in this together” mentality pushes people to work together and more effectively.

So there you have it: five ways to engage others. While these ideas are relatively simple, they’re not necessarily easy to do. Leaders must regularly ask themselves (and those they lead) whether they are, indeed, engaging their people. Engagement is serious business, because without it, there would be no business.

Jump Right In (and Forget about the Barracuda)

May 29, 2012 By Kimberly

Toes an inch over the dock’s edge, I peered into the murky deep below. Sure, it was only eight feet deep, but it might as well have been a hundred. What was that flash of lightning? A shimmer of scales? A glimmer of pointy teeth? The water was too dark to tell.

“Come on in, Mom!” my eight-year-old daughter called. She stood on the raft about twenty feet ahead of me. My brave girl—the one who fearlessly climbed atop the fridge at eighteen months of age to retrieve goodies I hid there, the one who jumped off this same dock when she was two (much to my horror, when I had to jump in after her, still clad in my jeans).

If my two-year-old could jump in, then certainly I could.

But what about the barracuda?

I’ve always had a fear of fish. I’ll eat them. I’ll keep them (in a fish tank). But swim with them? Hmmm. I know I’m a movie clip waiting to happen. No matter that barracuda are salt water fish and I’m nowhere near an ocean.

So I plunge in, quickly swimming to my daughter on the raft. The raft! It is yellow. It is big. It is safety.

This small bout of fear is representative of my life, and perhaps yours. We can take our chances (imaginary or not), or we can play it safe. We can take a leap of faith, or we stand on the edge, wishing we had played more fully. We can join others on life’s adventure, or we can stay home.

Too many times I’ve stayed home—literally and figuratively. Try out a new business idea? Nah. Too risky. Talk to the funny looking man? He might think I’m weird. Try a new entrée at my favorite restaurant? What if I don’t like it? Then I will have wasted my money. Ask a woman I admire to be my mentor? She might decline. Then won’t I look like a desperate fool.

Yes, it is a dark and scary world; yet there is so much still to be discovered.

What about you?

In what areas of your life do you play it safe? What’s the barracuda that keeps you from taking the leap? And is it real? Or could it be imaginary?

“Wow, Mom!” my smiling girl says. Funny, she didn’t even know I could swim.

3 Limiting Beliefs That Victimize You

May 15, 2012 By Kimberly

Paul was confused, a pained grimace spread across his face. What did his wife ask again? Oh yeah—where he might find work. He didn’t know. Face it. Most laid off workers like himself didn’t seem to have an inkling where to find those “magic” jobs he kept hearing about. Something about the hidden job market. “Well,” he asked himself, “If the jobs are hidden, then how can I find them?” Paul turned away from his wife, ashamed that he didn’t know. Ashamed he couldn’t take care of his family. Ashamed he was helpless and stuck.

He is deceived. We all are. Sometimes. We are artists of self-deception, afraid to look at reality and take full responsibility for our lives. Some of the language we use points out our limiting beliefs—beliefs that keep us from living the life we’re suppose to live.

Do any of the following sound familiar?

I don’t have time.

In other words, I’m too busy to (fill in the blank). I think I say this every day! Recently, my daughter asked me if I could cuddle in bed with her for a few minutes. I told her I didn’t have time. What I should have said was, “I want to cuddle with you. I should cuddle you. But I have a project I have to finish tonight. You see, this project is due in two days and I have much more to get done. It’s much more important than a five-minute cuddle. You understand, right?” Well, perhaps I shouldn’t have said that. Nevertheless, essentially that is what I was telling her, right? Saying that we don’t have time for something is a fallacy because it presupposes that time is something we can acquire and control. No! Time is the same for everyone. It doesn’t change. What does change are our priorities. Consequently, this limiting belief keeps us from taking full responsibility of how we use our time and whether or not we honor the people and things that are most important.

If I’m successful, then I’m happy.

Significance far outweighs success. Perhaps you’ve acquired a great deal of what this world deems success—a beautiful house, a housekeeper to go with that beautiful house, fancy restaurants, a well-known reputation. Good for you! But there comes a time in all of our lives when we look at ourselves critically and ask, “Is this what I’m here for?” We were designed with a purpose. Have you found yours? Are you living a life of significance and meaning? The limiting belief that success is everything will crush a person’s very own spirit and soul.

I don’t know how to (fill in the blank).

I come across this limiting belief often in my coaching work. Unfortunately, we use this language as an easy way out. Whether it’s a business owner who says, “I don’t know how to increase my sales” or an executive who states, “I don’t know what the boss wants” or a husband who claims, “I don’t know where to find a job,” the fact remains the same: We are responsible for finding out. So you don’t know. I get it. Recently, I’ve been facing this scenario myself. I don’t know what to do regarding a particular business decision. Yet it’s my job to find out. So I’m doing my research. I’m asking those wiser than myself. I’m praying and seeking God’s direction. But I refuse to stay stuck.

Limiting beliefs pervade our thoughts. We speak them everyday—to ourselves, to others. You can discover a wealth of information if you look behind these limiting beliefs. It’s not easy nor pretty. And while confronting ourselves with the truth takes strength and humility, in the end we can arise not as victims but as victors.

13 Ways to Develop Yourself as a Leader

May 10, 2012 By Kimberly

So you’re a smashing success. You’ve got the admiration and appreciation of followers galore. You’ve got not just the dream but the vision of how to get there. You’ve got money in the bank. You practically wink at yourself in the mirror. You’ve got it going on….

But do you?

I don’t know about you specifically, but this world defines success in terms of money, a big house, new car, lush green lawn, and accolades. “Why, I’ve got myself 500-plus LinkedIn followers!”

But real leaders know they never truly arrive at a destination. Success isn’t just about the accomplishment. It’s about the journey. It’s about continually developing oneself in all areas of life, not just the professional side.

So how’s your journey?

Are you growing? Are you continually seeking? Are you seeing all the amazing possibilities in front of you? Though this list is endless, here are some ways you can develop yourself–as a leader, and as a human being.

Commit random acts of kindness daily for a whole month. You’ll be surprised by what you’ll learn–about yourself, about the world.
Hang out with those you admire.
Disconnect from technology for a whole day (yes!). Quiet and reflection leads to creativity. Creativity leads to innovation. Innovation leads to development.
Read, read, read. Feed your brain and feed your soul.
Create an action plan. Sure, you have one for work. But what about one for all the different areas of your life: spiritual, relational, emotional, physical?
Interview those who are already in the place you want to be.
Regularly and openly acknowledge others’ strengths and talents.
Take risks. You can’t grow if you never fail.
Celebrate others’ achievements, even your competitors’! You never know. Strong, advantageous alliances and projects may be formed down the road.
Get authentic. You don’t have to pretend to be the kind of leader you’re not. Everyone knows, anyway.
Admit your doubts. Admit your weaknesses. Admit you’re human. (Unless you’re an alien.)
Ask for feedback from others on a regular basis.
Give more than you take.

Leaders grow and bring along others for the ride. Are you celebrating the journey? Or are you resting in your accomplishments?

Just curious, but what other ways do you think leaders can develop themselves? Put your answers in the box below.